Hello everybody. otaku here. nice to see you all again. its been exactaly a month from my last post on one of my works, all that time i have been editing chapter 1. if you have read the original, you will still want to at least scan through this because there has been some new plot elements added. also, you will notice that this chapter edit ends earlyer than the last. this is because i wanted to keep it the same amount of pages and, well, it just made more sense that way.
this draft is much, much better. pls enjoy and comment. 
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I was clueless back then.
I can’t believe I did half the things that I did.
But I would not want to redo it.
“Why?” you may ask?
Because if I did and she found out I’d be screwed.
She would never forgive me.
And if she isn’t able to forgive me, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.
Chapter 1: Her
Beep. Beep.
Even though I heard my alarm, I didn’t even think about getting up. I was not tired, though. I was in that state you get into right after sleeping; your mind floating between your dreams and reality. Every time I got there, I never wanted to leave. Not even a bit. I would be content to stay like that all day. Under my covers, all warm, within the dream I was having. I was in the perfect world, in the best school, with great friends and-
“Takato. Takato?”
-The perfect girl.
“Takato!”
“I’m awake!”
“You better be, don’t you realize that school starts in 5 minutes?”
“Five minutes!”
Somehow, we made it out the door 3 minutes later, and then made a mad dash to school. We made it right before the bell. Don’t ask me how, but we did. That is pretty impressing, too, especially for me. Three blocks, three sets of stairs, one into the school and up two floors, and my driveway in two minutes.
“Cuttin’ it pretty close again, Takato. I still think your house adds a good mile to your walk,” I heard a soon as I got into the classroom.
“Shut it, Zack,” I huffed in between breaths.
My house was pretty big. My parents left it to me before they disappeared. I have no clue where they may have gone, nor have they talked to me in any shape or form for the last three years. They had a lot of money, so a month after I started seventh grade they put a bunch of money in a bank at told them to let me have so much a month. Not that I miss them that much. Since they were always traveling or working I had to mostly fend for myself anyway.
“Without her you would be screwed.” Zack pointed behind me.
“I know,” I said went into my famous I-suck-at-life position for a few seconds jokingly. To sum it up, head hanging down, face in a frown, and arms limp.
“I’ve got to say, I’m impressed with you. Her figure is great, though she does lag in the breast department a bit…”
As soon as he said that I’m sure my face turned red. Needless to say I’m shy and that Zack is a bit on the perverted side. Problem is, I never stay in shy mode long, so others don’t notice.
“Sh-shut up,” I stuttered.
“Come on Zack, do us a favor and grow up, or at least get through puberty,” said a voice from behind me.
Zack turned to me, shrugged, and walked way towards a group of girls.
“Man, he just never quits.”
That was Toji. I guess you could say he’s my best friend, but that’s not saying much. We talk during homeroom and during lunch, and sometimes play a few games together online. I’ve known him since the third grade, but I still don’t know anything about his personal life.
“Tell me about it,” I sighed.
Then Jeno Sensei walked into the room.
“Class representative.”
“Yes sir. Stand. Bow….”
________________________________________________________________________
I think by now you are probably wondering who she is. Her name is Rena. Its not like we’re dating or anything; we’re just friends. I repeat: just friends.
It all started a few days after my parents left. I was told to go with her to put back some library books because the school librarian was out. It was obvious that we would be chosen because, bluntly said, we were the only ones that knew the difference between fiction and non-fiction. Reading really wasn’t a popular hobby if you know what I mean.
While we were walking we exchanged normal hellos, but then she asked me “How are you”. It was just a normal greeting, so I could of said “good” or “fine”, but for some reason I felt that I needed to tell somebody and that I could trust her. And I did.
I don’t know weather she listened out of pity, or that she actually cared, but she listened none-the-less. And when I was done, and since we where the only ones in the library, we talked some more.
Not long after we found that our paths crossed when we went to school, so we started walking there together. Needless to say, that gave others the wrong idea.
That was about three years ago, and Rena is still the only person that knows. It’s not like I’m hiding it, though. Its just a bit…. uncomfortable to tell people.
For example:
Policeman: “Hey kid, where’s your parents.”
Me: “ Oh, they kind of ran away on me three years ago.”
Get what I mean?
Bring.
I got up from my desk and headed towards the classroom door. On the way I passed Rena.
“I owe you one for this morning,” I said to her.
She turned to me, “It wasn’t a problem.”
“Yes it is. I’ve been sleeping in a lot lately and it’s making more work for you.”
“No, it isn’t, but you should try harder to wake up on time.”
Toji came up from behind me.
“You’re just too nice to him, Rena. You should just leave without him one day to teach him a lesson,” he said.
“If I did that he would just sleep ‘till the next day and not notice a thing,” she laughed, “Anyway, I have to go. See you tomorrow.”
Once Rena was gone, Toji turned to me.
“Zack’s right, you two do make a good couple,” he said, half smiling.
“I’m telling you, it’s not like that!”
“Whatever you say,” Toji shrugged and, then walked away.
The next day I forced myself to get up. I got into my uniform, ate, and did all the other usual things people did in the morning. I met Rena along the way at the usual spot, one block away from my house. We said our normal hellos and talked a bit while walking. When we got to class we went our separate ways. I talked to Toji, ignored Zack a bit, and then sat down for class.
After fourth period we braked for lunch. A few friends and I eat on the roof of the school, on the side overlooking the courtyard where most of the girls eat. Needless to say, Zack sits with us.
As I sat down, I started to get a headache.
“Dude, you don’t look so good,” Zack said. I must have had my hand on my head.
“I’m fine. I just need a drink from the fountain,” I replied, standing up.
I staggered down the two flights of stairs from the roof to the second floor. When I got to the water fountain and started leaning over to get a drink I heard footsteps, like someone was running. Slowly, trying not to make my head hurt more than it already did, I looked up to find a kid running extremely fast down the hall towards me. He passed me up, and then jumped down the stairs to the ground floor. I don’t know why, but I decided to follow him, even though I was sure I could never catch up. Now that I think about it, it was probably because I guessed he was running from a fire or something like that. I wasn’t going to stay to find out, too.
When I went down the stairs I saw the guy run out the door that led to the courtyard – the one where all the girls eat. When I got out the door I saw bodies everywhere. I couldn’t tell weather they were asleep, knocked out, or, worse, all dead. I stared at them, still staggering forward. I started hyperventilating; fearing that whatever happened to them may happen to me. I felt woozy, not able to take the scene before me.
I moved my line of site to the sky. Looking at anything but the bodies would do. I was surprised to find the normally nice, peaceful blue sky tinted red. Then I looked straight forward, still not able to look directly at the bodies. My heart skipped a few beats when I found that everything beyond the school’s property was tinted red, like the sky. It was as if blood covered the sky; the blood that for some reason missing from the scene on the ground.
My mind started racing through the many possible ways I could die in the next ten seconds. Between the blood-red sky and the bodies on the ground, I was freaking out. Then my mind started to scramble and darken what I was seeing. I was barely able to keep standing. Whoever said that the mind had an off switch to protect you was lying; fainting was the last thing I wanted to do. It might numb the pain in the end, though…
A painful groan brought me back into control. It wasn’t because it was the first sound since the squeak of the doors when I first came into the courtyard. It was because I knew that voice. It was probably the only voice I could recognize layered with so much pain.
I turned around and saw that there was some movement. It was Rena, somehow still awake. I ran to her.
“What happened?” I asked, still shaking.
“I don’t know,” she replied, attempting to sit, “everyone just fell!”
“I have to call an ambulance or...” I started.
Rena suddenly pointed behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw a kid standing behind me. He was wearing a school uniform that I never saw before.
"No, you don't." He was casual, as if nothing was happening.
“What do you mean I don’t?” I yelled at him.
He stayed silent. Then he lifted his hand in my direction. Suddenly, I couldn’t move. It was as if he paralyzed me from the neck down. My mind again went through the many ways I could die. Then they were gone, along with all my other thoughts.
“You did this, didn’t you?” I surprised myself at how casual I was. Maybe I was crazy after all.
He ignored me, and then turned towards Rena, who was still awake. He made a face as if he was trying to decide what to do with her, and then lifted his hand.
“Leave her alone!” I yelled at him.
He still ignored me, still looking at Rena, who looked like she was too scared to move.
“Rena!”
I snapped. I forced myself to get up and then ran at him full speed and hit him in the stomach as hard as I could. He went pretty far – but I wasn’t concerned about that. I ran at him as he was trying to recover. When he was stable, he looked at me, and then his eyes went wide.
Then anger overtook me. My mind went blank. My eyes were still open, but I remembered nothing of what I was seeing. I only needed to protect Rena. Nothing else.
I woke up in my house, in my room on my bed. I could see through the window that it was dark out, but I had no idea how many days I had slept. Then Rena came through my bedroom door and walked in.
“Thank goodness, you’re finally awake,” she said as she walked to beside my bed.
“Yah. Could you tell me what happened?” I sat up.
“You mean you don’t remember?” She was shocked for a second, and then stared at me, wide-eyed. It couldn’t of been that surprising that I forgot what happened. Heck, it could of all been a dream for all I knew.
I shook my head, “Nope.”
“A…after,” she glanced down at the floor for a second, “after you fell, everyone woke up. By the time the police came, everyone was fine and just went back to eating lunch. The police decided that it was a prank and left.”
“ What about the two guys?”
“Two guys? I only saw one, and he disappeared in all the commotion.” I guess she didn’t see the other guy from the hall. For some reason, Rena was pausing between phrases.
I stretched. This was way too much to process after just waking up. Then my stomach started rumbling.
“Man I’m hungry,” I said.
“You should be,” Rena replied, “you’ve been asleep for more than a day.”
“Really?” I said, “I hope you at least went to school.” I was sure she did. The last time she missed school was 2 years ago when she had the flu.
She glanced away from me again, more out of shyness this time, though.
“I skipped today.”
“You did?” I was surprised at her answer
“Yes, but it’s no big deal.”
There was silence for a little while.
“Uhm…” I said, breaking the silence, “why don’t we go down to the convenience store and get something to eat?”
“Okay,” Rena replied, “are you well enough to come?”
“Yep, I’m fine.”
We both started eating as soon as we got back. Well, it was more like I started shoveling food in my mouth as soon as we got back, and Rena just shook her head and started eating too.
We made small talk for a few minutes, and ate in silence for another few. In that time I reviewed Rena’s story in my head.
So, after I fell unconscious everyone was…wait a second.
“Hey, Rena?” I somehow fit more than one word in between shovels of food.
Rena seemed caught off guard, “Yes?”
I stopped shoveling for a few seconds, “How did I fall unconscious?”
Rena also stopped eating, “You just fell.” She said it very a-matter-of-factly.
Something sounded fishy.
I decided to test the pieces of her story, “So I fell while everyone else recovered?”
“Umm… yes?” she tried. On most days I probably wouldn’t of questioned her this far, probably just accepting what she said. It’s true that Rena is good at keeping secrets, but not from me. In the end she would either blab it out by accident in the middle a normal conversation, or I would guess right. I wanted answers today.
“Are you not telling me something?” I accused.
“No.” By now she knew I was on to her. She was half joking and half buying time.
I gave her my “yeah, right” look, “Uh, huh. Whatever you say.”
She paused for a second, and then looked back at me. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but your not allowed to tell me I’m crazy.”
“Your crazy,” I smiled. Then Rena gave me a dirty look and I stopped.
Rena took a deep breath, “You grew wings and a tail and fainted after you hit that guy twice. Happy now?”
“What?” I wasn’t sure weather to start laughing or take a step back, though the latter would have been impossible since I was sitting.
“Just what I said,” Rena was a bit miffed, “you had neon green wings and a tail, hit that guy twice and knocked him out, then fell, or do you not even remember the whole day?”
“I remember up to the first time I hit him, but…” I shook my head, getting back to my questioning, “are you okay? I mean, you looked pretty bad back there and-“
Rena cut me off. “I’m fine. I told you you’d think I’m crazy.”
. Since I couldn’t argue with her, and she seemed too mad to say anything more, we ate in silence for a few minutes.
When Rena finally calmed down she spoke, “Why were you in the courtyard anyway?”
“Well, I had a headache, so I went downstairs to get a drink from the fountain. I saw a guy run past me and I followed him outside, but I didn’t see him again after that.”
We talked for a few more hours, and then Rena had to leave. After she did, I walked into my room and hit the spacebar on my computer. I then sat down and clicked the desktop shortcut to the newest Massive Multiplayer Online game I’ve downloaded. I needed to get away. To blend myself among the crowd of thousands, sometimes millions, of people. To be someone else for a while.
That night my thoughts were about my conversation with Rena. The main part I thought about was when she said that I had neon green wings and a tail. Most of me said it was a lie. That Rena was seeing things. That that whole day had been a dream.
But, there was a small part of me that said that it happened, and that it was all real. Anyway, I was sure Rena didn’t lie to me. The way she said it. She was both embarrassed and sure of what she said. I was sure I could trust her. At the very least, she hallucinated it.
If only there was another witness…
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
of course it helps ^^
its nice to get an only-positive review once in a while, im almost done with chapter 3.
here is the links you may want to check out for HSB:
chapter 2 (edit): topic36132.html
chapter 3: almost done. i will edit this when it is an give ya'all the link
Wow. This probably isn't going to help a lot, but I love your story. I think that it's interesting and believable. The action and the characters drew me in, and I couldn't stop. And that's awesome. So I'm going to read the other chapters now. Once again, awesome job!
_Writing for love is a passion_
A.K.A- Lexie
thank you for the advice. it is hard to find a balance between realism and fantasy. you advice will help me a lot
EDIT:
i know this is REALLY REALLY late, but i watched all of Cardcaptor Sakura (the sub) and found the beginning very very unbelievable. The rest of no more than another magical girl anime. Yeah, i seriously did watch all 70 episodes...
Perfect in what way?
This is inefficient. Why do we need to know how long it took them to do (insert task here) in x minutes?
Heard what?
This is highly unrealistic. Firstly, is the character capable of living on her own? What valid reasons are there for her to be able to do that. Secondly, you are aware that if a person's parents went missing, they would normally seek help no? Who in their right minds would not seek help for such a big problem? Thirdly, I'm surprised the narrator's parents didn't hire a babysitter to look after her.
I second Kitty15, some bits follow the conventions of a script more than a novel. Do you know about the conventions of writing a novel?
The tone changes from casual to serious rather quickly. It feels rushed; it's like it randomly just happened. This makes it unconvincing as a result.
This is just ludicrous. Your piece already lacks realism due to weak characterisation and explanation, why keep going for unrealistic plot points? Seriously, would such an event occur in real life?
What follows after are lines of dialogue that just hangs there. There isn't anything to back it up with. Worse, there aren't any tags to it. This makes it rather hard to follow as I have no idea who is speaking. It's also so light that it doesn't hold any weight by itself so the reader would likely skip past it ( I know I did).
Why mention that she plays an MMORPG when there wasn't any characterisation to back up that she's a gamer? Where is that gaming spirit in her?
Overall impressions:
My biggest concern isn't that it took you a month to edit, but of how unconvincing the piece is as a whole. I assume that you watch anime due to your username and your bio. I think that you need to start to develop a sense of what is realstic and what isn't. That's what holding you back the most. A lot of animes nowadays are made of crap. What is it you may ask? It's full of nonsense: People with coloured hairs, strange names, mary-sue characters, events which happen for no logical reasons and the rather high amount of sexism, where women in anime are sexed up by the producers and presented as damsels in distress. But would these things happen in real life? I think not.
But let's take Cardcaptor Sakura as an example of what I think is a very good story and anime. Cardcaptor Sakura also has that magical and supernatural stuff, but I find it convincing and compelling. One of the reasons of that is due to realism. Sakura's relationships with her father, her friends and her supernatural companions reflect the idea of what is considered a strong and solid relationship in our world today. There isn't that stereotyping of women as being damsels in distress in the anime either. Both female and male characters are presented as equal and in a respectable manner. Also, when Sakura is in trouble, she actually responds and seeks help, making her more realistic as a character. Even when the magical stuff is happening, characters and events still reflect certain aspects of our present society. Hence, this makes Cardcaptor Sakura convincing.
I hope you'll take my message on board. If you start aiming for realism, you will find that your writing itself would improve too.
Andy.
T_T more masculine T_T
since my first draft was so bad, that i couldn't get too many changes at once without accidentally changing the plot. this is my first work, so of course i am not going to be able do perfectly everything that you guys can. chapter three will be written much better, and so will four and five, then i will be re-editing all of them again.
thanks again for all the reviews
Okay... I did read the rest but I stopped doing the line by line because I think the best advice I can give you at the moment is to read more. Watching anime is a great way to get good at writing anime scripts but if you'd rather write novels, the more novels you read, the better you'll get. If you'd rather stay with this style, consider converting it into a script. Your plot isn't particularly bad, in fact it has the potential to be interesting, but there's not enough description or characterization to back it up.
Sorry I couldn't be more positive but you're doing really good for your age (and I don't mean that to sound patronising though I know it probably does.)
I hope this helps a little, feel free to pm me with questions,
Heather xx
p.s. Here's an article on description that you might find useful: viewarticlebody.php?t=33840
thank you. don't worry ^^ i know that not every work is liked by everyone, and there are always mistakes. the main thing is to get them out while keeping your original idea.
i am working on chapter 3, then im planning to do all the way to 5 before i re-edit again.
Yeesss...this is better than the first draft, and I can definitely appreciate how hard you've worked--particularly if you've been editing this for a month. An excellent sense of commitment there. ^^ And I understand it must hurt when someone swoops in and takes your hard-edited work to pieces. I'm very sorry if I caused some bruised feelings, but all the same, if not for constructive criticism none of us would grow as writers, right?
And I can already say you're ten times better than I was at that age. Oh God, the stuff I wrote when I was thirteen...I don't want to even think about it, let alone look at it. Compared to that, what you have is brilliant.
And I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors! I'll be sure to look at chapter two later.
Honestly, the only problem I had with this wasn't the plot--it was the execution. In particular, the lack of description. I feel if you described your characters and surroundings better, not only would they stick more in the minds of your readers, but the plot itself would benefit. It'd give the happenings a sense of concreteness, that is is actually happening. Yes, details can do that. Try some!
well, read the chapter 1 (not edit). it would be impossible to say im not improving. it sucks. just plain sucks
Okay, here's the rest of the review. I'll try to be less nitpicky than before, but...I doubt I'll be able to. Sorry if I'm neurotic! >_>
Huh? What's this mean? Bring who? Bring what? Why suddenly shove the word "bring" randomly in here? No entiendo! O_o
"Got" is an exceptionally weak verb; in most cases, you can replace it with something more specific and stronger.
Again, "came" is a weak verb. Actually, here's a handy little equation my English teacher taught me:
vague verb + preposition = bad writing.
I'm not saying you're a bad writer, but you'll find that nearly all the time you can replace a "verb/preposition" construction with a single, stronger and more vivid verb. Off the top of my head, I think I could replace "came up" with a simple, succinct "approach". Not only is it a single verb instead of a verb that needs to rely on a preposition, it's also much more vivid as well. So yeah. You wanna eliminate verb/preposition constructions from your writing, okay?
Seems a tad...callous...for a supposed friend, doesn't it? Honestly, this doesn't even seem like friendly ribbing--it seems like an out-and-out cold thing to say. I don't think you were intending Toji to come across as a jerk, but this sentence really makes it seem like he is. So try softening its impact again; make it more obvious Toji's joking.
Several problems here--the first I noticed was the "the next morning". EEEEEEEN NO. Please don't cut off a scene and lamely switch it by saying "the next morning"; that rarely works and in most cases (like here) comes across as jarring. There are many more creative ways to transition between scenes than "the next morning".
Also, there's the plethora of "gets" and verb-prepositions. >_> Try for more variety in your verbs, mmkay?
This is very vague and feels almost like a laundry list. "I did this, I did that, when I got to school I did another thing". Yadda yadda yadda. See? It's not very creative. You've got imagination; try to spice up this scene a little.
OR...better yet...HERE'S a suggestion! Why not negate all of that useless "the next morning I got up and went to school and did this and blah blah blah" above--and start the scene HERE? Put a break between the last scene and this one, and then start this scene with Zack's line--"Dude, you don't look so good." Then, after Takato replies, you can launch into describing where they are (on the roof) and explain it's the next day during lunch. Much more elegant and naturally flowing than what you've currently got--and it negates the need for the whole laundry list of activities.
This is just a lifeless paragraph. I wasn't interested at all in the action--and that's not a good sign considering this is problably supposed to be an important scene. All the same though...it's as I said before. You need to describe more. Get deeper into Takato's thoughts, describe his headache, his mental state as he goes to get a drink...describe the figure running "extremely fast"...etc. etc. In fact, this whole paragraph could be split into several. That would also allow you to go more in depth in what's happening here.
I get this is supposed to be an important scene, but...I'm not feeling it. Maybe it's because of the lack of description, or your unvarying sentence structure. Honestly, I feel for a shocking scene like this, you need to shorten your sentences--that would definitely help punctuate Takato's mental state as he's taking this in. He's shocked, his heart is beating fast, etc. etc. A series of short sentences would convey that much better than the long, almost rambling sentences you've got going here.
I do like that you're trying to show his reaction rather than tell it, but I'm still not feeling it. Maybe there's something wrong with me, not you, but really...I understand this is supposed to be shocking but I'm not feeling any shock. Uh oh. You don't want a disconnect like this between yourself and the reader.
"Line of sight" sounds awkward. How about, "I tore my eyes away from the bodies and focused on the sky" or something like that (I know that's pretty crappy too, but I can't think right now). Otherwise, I like how this shows Takato's reaction. It's definitely a human impulse.
This, one the other hand...nehh. "I was surprised". You don't need that. That's TELLING Takato's surprise, not SHOWING it. Just have him jump back or his heart give a jolt when he realizes the sky is red. And "tinted" honestly doesn't give me a strong picture. I think you mean the whole sky is "colored" red, or "washed" in red, or "burning blood red". Remember what I said about describing more specifically? When you write, you always want to be specific.
I like how you're reinforcing how Takato doesn't want to look at the bodies. It's a very natural human reaction--the one quibble I have is that Takato has yet to feel nauseous. Maybe it's just me, but I'd feel nauseous in this situation. But I get carsick just sitting in the back of the car, so... Still, well-done. Takato's reaction is very realistic and I admire how you aren't saying "I'm so surprised" but instead saying "I don't want to look at the bodies..." It's much more subtle and definitely showing his feelings instead of telling.
Excellent piece of description. Again, it makes me strongly believe that what you didn't mean to say "tinted", because "blood-colored" gives a much more vivid and powerful impression than just "tinted". It also reminds me of the beginning of the Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock, but maybe I'm the only one who can see analogies between etherized patients spread on tables and blood covering the sky. Heey, patients bleed a lot and...whatever. I digress, I digress.
Ha. Nice. I like this voice you've built for Takato, and I believe if you make your descriptions more vivid Takato's voice will come through even more. This, however, is very vivid. Me gusta. ^^
Laaa no. Not only is this an incongruous use of slang (even if it's first person, you still want to keep colloquisms to a minimum), but it's also telling as opposed to showing.
Nicely done. I've become rather sour to "then he passed out" scene transitions mostly due to a certain Mr. Paolini, but this was carried out in a graceful manner; very understated and elegant yet vivid. As long as you don't have any "then he passed out" transitions, I'm fine with this one. ^^ Good job.
Do you mean "painful", or "pained"? Remember, "pained" is describing the quality of the groan; "painful" describes the groan's effect on Takato. Since I don't think a groan could be very "painful", I'm liable to guess it's "pained".
Ah, so it is "pained". I must say I like the imagery here.
Awww, come on. You can get more specific than this.
Describe. Deeeeescribe. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEESCRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBE. Please. Por favor. I entreat thee. This is currently my main beef with your writing--it works, but it doesn't describe enough. Honestly, you could extend this into a whole paragraph as opposed to three sentences. Describe the kid, describe Rena's "sudden point" (remember what I said about useless qualifiers? "Suddenly" is a standout example). Is she shocked? Nervous, afraid, indignant, etc. etc? And describe the kid's uniform--how is it different from Takato's? Actually, I don't think you've described Takato's yet. In fact, I don't think you've described Takato at all...or any other character...uh oh. O_
I have a feeling this is supposed to be an important scene, but these sentences are just too...short and choppy. Like I said before, I'm not feeling it.
Perchance, do you feel like describing this "face"?
"At him" is unnecesary. Am I being too nitpicky?
Wanna describe Rena's being "too scared to move"? Is she trembling, rooted the spot, her eyes wide, not saying anything? That'd show instead of tell and give the reader a more vivid picture, methinks.
"Went" is another weak verb; I think "flew" would work well in this situation.
I'm sorry, but here I go again--I'm not feeling it. "Anger overtook me" is telling instead of showing. Also...sorry, but I'm not very partial to the "I need to protect the girl I love" ethos. It's just so overdone in anime/manga, and...I don't know, I feel like it devalues the girl, turns her into a piece of property almost. But that's just me on a soapbox. I also feel a bit cheated when it comes to Takato and Rena's relationship--I liked it better as more of a mutual, deep friendship than the more romantic angle you seem to going for. It felt more meaningful, less trite, that way to me. But eh, it's your story, and these are matters more of personal taste than anything else. So feel free to ignore my tract. ^^
I wish we could have scene what was going on because this feels like a bit of a copout again. It is hard to develop effective transitions, but at the same time, it's such a massive cheat to build up to an exciting event--a fight--and then just cut off to a "and then I woke up" scene. I know Takato's not supposed to be conscious during the fight...but isn't there at least some way to describe it? A well-done fight scene would make my day. Or am I just bloodthirsty? O_o
I like the voice here. I can almost imagine Takato saying it--he's baffled, kind of dismissive, kind of indignant, kind of annoyed. Excellent job, conveying that much with such a short sentence.
No....no....NO!!! Please no, not the dialogue exposition! I know Rena has a very valid reason to tell Takato everything that happened, but all the same...it's not very fulfilling to the reader. Again, this goes back to describing what happened.
There were two guys? O_o Really? I'm sorry...I just guess I got confused. This probably goes back to needing to describe more--maybe then I'd be able to tell the difference between the two guys. Hmm.
I like this interaction--it says a lot without saying a lot, if that makes sense. I like how it showcases Takato and Rena's relationship. There's a very deep undercurrent here, beneath all the sparseness, and I can almost *feel* how close they are. Well done.
Wanna describe the food? XD
No "a"; it's just "matter-of-factly". Otherwise, nothing wrong here.
In most cases, a simple "said" works better than a dialogue tag. You can say "I said, my tone accusing" or something like that if you want to convey accusation.
I like, again, the way you've built up Takato and Rena's relationship--especially how Takato knows Rena so well he can judge her intent just from physical cues. I wish you'd describe the physical cues, though. ~_^
"Your" is a possessive; "You're" is a contraction for "you are"..
Neither do I. This had better have a good explanation, otherwise it'll come across as...lame. O_O I'm sure you have the skill not to make it seem lame, but I'm already skeptical. This may just be personal tastes, though. Blehhh...
Is there any specific reason you have to not show Takato's fight? Honestly, I feel something like that would be a highly dramatic and important even--the first fight, come on!--yet you just skim over it. It just feels a tad...anticlimactic, you know?
"Walked into" can be neatly replaced with a single specific verb: "Entered".
I
Wanna name the game?
Wow--interesting sentiment here, and expressed in a very eloquent way too. Who hasn't felt this way before? There's many times where I wish I could live someone else's life, and I feel MMO's must speak to that desire (though the last time I played an MMO was MapleStory, and I gave that up two years ago. But heey, when Star Trek Online comes out...). I like how you incorporated that element in here. Well done.
How about, "That night I couldn't stop thinking about my conversation with Rena"? Flows much more naturally, see?
Aaand...that's it.
Basically...you have an interesting plot and premise going on here, and I love how your world's been inspired by anime--but I think you need to describe more. Pin down the settings, the characters' actions--and above all, the characters themselves. Midway through reading this I realized I had NO IDEA what Takato and Rena look like. And as they're the main characters...that's not good. Describe them. You don't have to info dump, but please give us some clue as to their appearance. What's their hair color? Their height, their build? How do they wear their school uniforms? Etc. etc. You need to be specific in your writing, as specific as possible. The reader needs to get a concrete picture of what's going on, and only then can they be truly immersed in your world and enjoy it.
You've definitely got talent and potential, and I'm intrigued in seeing where this goes.
Good luck!
Hi! Sorry this took a while - I've been pounded with HS PSAT studying and sports. /:
This seems unneeded to me, like it's not important yet it's just there.
You should at least give some detail in between this.
Unexplainable ways are not always the best way to go.
Two things.
[1] It should be a period after 'walk', not coma.
[2] It should be 'as' instead of 'a' after heard.
Once again - a period.
I noticed that when you describe you tend to make your descriptions choppy instead of flowing. Take out some periods and make them comas.
What?
Period instead of coma at the end of puberty.
I'm confused. Did Zack say that? I thought Zack was in front of him...
You should know by now(;
Once again - you've lost me.
This actually wasn't on my mind, so you might want to consider rewording it since some may not have 'her' on
their mind also.
"How are you?"
Put these in ' '.
Unneeded.
Period.
Period.
Period.
He must have? Doesn't he know if he did or not?
And - periods.
Huh? Also - if I saw a kid just running through the halls, death wouldn't be my immediate thought. I'd laugh
and just think they were late then continue with my business.
Yeah*
Take out that space in the front.
Period after 'answer'
Overall:
Well, I'm not very fond of it. Many parts confused me and I was lost in quiet a few other spots too. You also had a lot of period mistakes. I think that you should read through after you're done and pay close attention to that. Another thing is that you tended to make your sentences choppy instead of flowing. I just didn't feel myself attached to it as I am to other stories. Maybe when it's cleaned up I'll be able to read it better, good job though(:
Like I said, line by line.
I may not get through all this today, though--understand I'm rather busy (and need to get cracking on studying for the P-sat). So...here it goes, though.
You don't need the question mark after "ask".
This seems a bit odd...the usage of "screwed" is too jarringly informal paricularly when juxtaposed with the other sentences in this segment. It seems almost humorous, but I don't think that's the effect you were aiming for. I think it'd be more effective if you left off the "I'd be screwed" part and put an ellipsis ("...") after the "found out".
Sounds interesting so far--stories of sin and redemption and forgiveness have always intrigued me. What did the main character do that he needs to be forgiven for? If done right, this could be a very powerful overarching theme. But I'm speaking as someone who loves Nathaniel Hawthorne, so...>_>
The "even though" part seems a tad...essay-ish? I don't know...it just doesn't work that well. Try to start with just "I heard my alarm", and put a "but" after the comma.
Nice description; I understand perfectly and I've felt this way many times before. You described it in a very vivid manner.
Whoa, whoa! This is a little...sudden. Who was calling Takato? Where is Takato? What does Takato do for his morning routine (even if it's going to be a bit truncated here)? We the reader need to see these scenes. They may not be exactly plot relevant, but all the same, they help establish the setting and make it seem all the more real. If you just skip to Takato running with someone the reader doesn't even know, it's too sudden. Try to describe the person, and what happens next. Don't just skip to a "three minutes later".
I want to know how. "Don't ask me how" is a lazy author's shortcut. Since I don't believe you're a lazy author, try to describe Takato and his unknown friend's run to school. ~_^
"Pretty" is a weakening word that means nothing; "impressing" is a verb, not an adjective. I think you mean "impressive"?
I think I understand what you're trying to get at...but at the same time, this is a little confusing. Or maybe I'm just stupid.
Ack! Not the "pretty" again! Here's a little suggestion--go through your writing and find every "pretty", "very", "obviously", "usually", etc. basically every useless qualifier, and ask yourself: do you really need them? In some cases, yes, "pretty", "very", etcetera are necessary (and there's no limit when it comes to dialogue). But in most cases they can be removed harmlessly.
In this case, you could describe Takato's house a little better. Is it one story? Two? An idyllic red-brick cottage? A boring frame suburban house? A McMansion? A hovel on sticks?
Oh no...*smacks forehead* Must you must you do this? I'm sorry, but the "parental abandonment" plot has been used and abused so many times before...>_> It's such a standard trope of anime (which I take you've been inspired by) that it's...well...it's terribly cliched. Perhaps you want to get the parents conveniently out the way, but if you absolutely have to isn't there a more graceful way to do it? Personally I dislike parental abandonment plots overall, and believe the parents should play some part in a plot where children are the main characters, but that's just me...
Also, Takato's reaction to his parents' leaving him seems startingly blase. In real life, he would have been placed immediatley in foster care or with a guardian--parents who just suddenly abandon their child for now conceivable reason are seldom good parents. If you're going to stick with the "they mysteriously vanished" idea, at the very least...try to give Takato a more realistic reaction. He's a kid; his parents abandoned him. I can't imagine him saying "oh, I just had to fend for myself". He should be bitter or unhappy, definitely not well-adjusted.
I'm sorry, this may be just my fondness for at least some element of realism in speculative fiction. Or my heavy disliking of the parental abandonment trope. Whatever. >_> You're a talented writer--I'm sure you can work out a better home situation for Takato than what you have right now.
Who exactly is this "her"? The person Takato went to school with? I can see you're trying to keep "her" mysterious, and I like that--I'm a sucker for mysterious characters. All the same, she is a bit TOO mysterious. I have no idea who she is except she lives with Takato, and in fact I didn't know she was a she until this scene. At the very least, try to describe her a little bit...seriously, it just seems like she just popped into the scene here. It's awkward.
Nice bit of imagery.
You don't need the "to sum it up". Otherwise, nice description--not overly verbose yet it's vivid.
Geez, isn't that a bit too boorish for a teenage boy? O_o And I wonder why "she" doesn't respond...that was a rather large insult.
You don't need the "stuttered", since you can tell from Takato's line that he is stuttering. Just say "said". ~_^
Huh? Who's talking now? This is VERY confusing. Is "she" defending her honor, or is someone else talking? O_______o
That "way" should be "away", but otherwise, nothing wrong with this.
Hadda who? O_o Huh, so "she" didn't react...that's odd. And...I dunno if I can say I like your way of introducing characters. It just feels odd and awkward, like people are just being randomly dropped in the scene...I will have further comments on this later.
Er....if this is a Japanese classroom...why is there a kid called "Zack" in the class? O_o
Also, for readers who don't happen to be Japanese culture buffs, I think you should either explain this scene better, or omit it.
Could you not have...said this earlier? Honestly, I was expecting "her" to be a huge mysterious person, not just some childhood friend. You were taking such enormous pains to completely hide her identity, to the point of truncating the morning scene and not even giving her a reaction after Zack insulted her.
If you really didn't want to reveal her name, you could have still described her physically and let her interact with the other characters...it'd give her a more active role in the story and you still get to keep something mysterious about her if her name is truly the only thing you were trying to hide. Note that I'm doing this as I read, so many I'll be proven totally wrong for this and Rena is actually a very important/mysterious person and it was crucial that you hide her identity so thoroughly...in that case, I take back anything I said on the subject. ~_^
I know it's hard to keep characters mysterious; I have the same problem myself in my novel, with a central character whose name and backstory must not be known for plot reasons. All the same, you can still build an effective personality for Rena without giving away her identity. Don't name her at first, just describe her (in fact, you'll find *that* often builds up audience tension even more than not describing her--they'll want to know who the girl is, instead of feeling utterly confused and lost), and let her interact with Takato and the other charactrers, all the while the audience keeps wondering--who is she, how is she important to Takato? Stuff like that.
Hmm, I'm already intrigued. Really, REALLY intrigued. What kind of society is this, where people don't know the difference between fiction and nonfiction? Nice touch; my favorite way of worldbuilding isn't dumping it all on the reader, but on inserting little details like this. They intrigue the reader and add depth to your world. Excellently done!
(though I wonder--who exactly told Takato to go with Rena? Your usage of passive voice in that sentence vaguely irks me "I was told to..." How about, "____ told me..." Or is it not important and I'm just being neurotic? Still, it's best to be specific in your writing)
Nothing wrong with that sentence, except it's "could HAVE", not "could OF". I would say "start a new paragraph when a new person's talking", but the paragraph is much more effective the way it is so don't change it. ^^
It's "whether", not "weather", and "nonetheless" is one word. Otherwise, no problems here.
Oh, so it DOES bother Takato. Ahhh, I can see this having a plot-relevant meaning. In that case, please excuse my previous rant. Seems Takato's parents have a good reason for being MIA, then, does it?
Also, I like the way you built up Takato and Rena's relationship--it was very subtly done, and you showed how they became close over time without being cheesy. I can't pin down exactly what I like about it, but...suffice to say it has something to do with the understated way you did it. It just felt so...natural. Natural, yet oh so sweet. And I have no idea what I'm saying right now. >_> But well done.
Ha ha ha ha, I like this! Reminds me of the little play interludes in Kurt Vonnegut's Deadeye Dick. Cute and funny, but in an almost pathetic sort of way. And I'm glad you seem to be addressing the parents issue--too often I see anime and books where the characters' parents are gone just for the sake of getting them out of the way. I'm glad you're involving Takato's parents' dispaperance (and possibly they themselves) in the plot, and you're showing Takato's bothered by it. Nice!
I'm sorry; this is a bit long so is it okay if I do the rest tomorrow?
Even from what I've read so far, I think I'm able to identify my main problem I had with your writing--you don't describe enough. No, it's not good to overload in description (a la Chris Paolini), but it's also not good to NOT describe enough. At the very least, I'd like to have basic ideas how these characters look like--and their setting. Half the time, I'm sorry to say, I envisioned them floating in blank white space because you didn't describe their surroundings. Even a basic description, like "Desks were arranged haphazardly in the classroom" or "red-brick house" or whatever help pin the details of the location in the reader's mind, and envision the action more strongly.
Still, this is a very intriguing work and I really like the angle on the parental abandoment issue you've introduced here. I can't see what's so fantasy about this yet but I'm sure it's coming. Takato and Rena's relationship seems very deep and mutual, in a way beyond possibly love--and I love the way you've painted it that way without actually saying so. I wonder why you didn't introduce Rena sooner because I'm already enjoying her and Takato's relationship. It feels very genuine and just...there's something nice about it that just clicked. I really do like character relationships and interactions (though oddly enough not romance). So you've got my vote there.
Good work. ^^ I'll be back tomorrow with the rest of the (horrendously thorough and nitpicky) review.
you are. i didn't yell it out because it would be unnatural, which seems to be my main problem with my work. since this is my first own work, and first ever one in first person, i am having trouble getting into character's minds.
as in the "everyone just got on with their lives" thing, i need to change it so it tells the reader that everyone got up at the same time, so no one saw anyone else asleep, and they thought that they only just drifted off or something.
thx again
Not a critique, but tell me about it! I have very few friends that read, and those that do, usually don't read much. Um, I better get back to my job
It's spelled yeah.
The first impression I got when I read this was No way! I know if I found myself-and dozens of other students lying face down on the ground for no apparent, logical reason (what could there be?) I'd be really concerned. I don't think most people would let this go real easily. As for the policemen finding it a prank, I suppose that's believable. But if this event doesn't cause some type of reaction among the student's, I'll find this story quite too unrealistic.
I think the stories got potential. As I said, I didn't find any flaws in your exposition. I noticed it draws a lot of inspiration from anime....I don't play MMOs anymore, and I watch very little anime.
I'm not sure where this story takes place. It might or it might not take place on contemporary western earth. If so, why do these western kids have japanese names? I suppose that's justified by the fact that this story draws a lot of inspiration from anime/manga.
I can see kids playing MMORPGs in the future, but I don't think they would be the same.
The only thing that keeps me from being certain this takes place in the contemporary western world is:
Very Eastern if you ask me. My conclusion about the setting is it's a world very much like our own, but very different, as isn't uncommon in anime/manga. Am I right? Please tell me.
EDIT: Please excuse the strange symbols in the quotes. I'm using my grandparents computer, because of hurricane Ike. For some reason, quotation marks and hyphens appear this way on this computer. Perhaps there's an application that this computer needs to translate them.
GRRRRR
im gunna hurt a reviewer!!! one of them told me that it was "weather" instead of "whether"!!!!
oh well. thanks for the review
Here you might want to change this line
I can’t believe I did half the things that I did.
Maybe something like
"I can't believe half the things i did"
saying "I did" twice in one sentence is confusing.
I got confused here?
Maybe use different wording.
I was confused who Zack was talking about, when he said this
“I’ve got to say, I’m impressed with you. Her figure is great, though she does lag in the breast department a bit…”
and from that the rest of the paragraphs after confused me of who was who
at least till the hallway scene where he meet Rena.
I don't mean to say this is "bad"
I mean, later i figured it out and was like
"Oh i get it now!"
A few times you put
Weather
instead of
Whether
So fix those
Other then that, i couldn't see many flaws.
Excellent ^^.
of course ill review for you
here is what i am planning on doing soon with HSB:
*re-edit chapter 2. dont expect as much changes, though.
*Work on a map of town, as well as some other places this story will take you all
*i am thinking of doing the "what happened after takato fainted" scene from rena's point of view
to celebate when i get chapter 5 done
*of course, im going to type chapters 3, 4, and 5